Half Marathon Running Gear

I was thinking ahead to next week, about what gear I will be running in.  It got confusing, so I made a chart.

Half Marathon Running Gear

(Click to zoom in to the larger image)

  • From Left to Right is the order in which stuff goes on.
  • In case of extremely cold weather, the stuff on the right of the purple line comes in to play

In Detail

S1 Suunto Chest Strap Captures heart rate data, sends to S2. Helps me regulate my pace and gives me blog posting material for the future.  Deploys a protective armor nanoshield in case of attack.
S2 Suunto T6d Super computer watch which receives all the data and logs it.  It will also act as defensive laser in case of alien attacks.
S3 Suunto Foot Pod Has a built in Accelerometer and FancyMoMancyMeter to tell me how fast I’m running, accurate to +/- 10% depending on calibration.   Provides extra jumpjet fuel.  Uses invisible ants to send signals up your leg and down your arm to the watch.  No joke.  ANTS protocol.
SH1 Technical Shorts. TMI: These are the kinds with the built-in sweat wicking underwear.   They have pockets that are designed to loose things when you sit in your car.   I wish that were a joke.
SH2 Technical Shirt. Probably from the Bourbon Chase or one of my other favorite race shirts.  I like the loose mesh ones better than the tight mesh ones.   Designed to make me radar invisible to the aliens.
MS9 Motorola S9 Bluetooth Headset For listening to ma’ tunes from the Pace DJ.  Also used for communication with central agency in case of emergencies.  Volume and Track buttons.  Skips in high humidity.  Can be used on single ear only.
TFMH Tin Foil Metal Hat Hopefully the aliens don’t invade on Saturday.
IFB iFitness Belt To Store the I4S and some ID/Cash.  If taken off and whirled in a circular motion, can create a kinetic shield to ward off flying kitten attacks.
G1 Powerbar Gel – Green Apple – With Caffeine 25mg baby
G2 Powerbar Gel – Vanilla – No Caffeine ‘cuz Caffeine is a Diuretic, and the aliens may mistake porta-potties as enemy tanks and destroy them first.
G3 GU Powergel – Espresso flavor Hip Hip Hipster Hooray!  (less runny than Powerbar gel)
GCS GoPro Chest Strap I didn’t want the head mount, makes me look too techy and attract attention to myself.  Seriously.    Can double as an ammo belt for paper clips.
GP GoPro Because recording video on my iPhone is not sexy enough.  Will also spot creatures using phased light invisibility techniques because of the parralax they cause in the 117-th degree FOV filter.
PDJ Pace DJ Scans existing music library for tempo – you don’t have to choose the music.   Hopefully its all good.
CB1 CamelBak Hydration Pack Only need to stop every 6 miles, and I never have to ask when the next water station is.   Can also hold keys in the zipper part.   Can be used to squirt water at the aliens, because most aliens are allergic to water, and they forget to scan before they invade.
LSTS Long Sleeve Technical Shirt For when temperatures including wind chill drop below 50F
TFFFHP Tight Form Fitting Flab Hiding Pants For when temperatures (including wind chill) drop below 40F
GL Gloves To prevent attempting to warm hands in more publicly embarrassing ways.
SJ Sport Jacket The kind with Mesh on the inside.   Combine with LSTS to get it down to 35F or so.  You generate a lot of body heat when running.
WRH Winter Running Hat Keeps them ears and the bald spot warm.  Bald spot is the center of brain activity, if it gets cold, the eyes glaze over.    Machine Washable! Didn’t know I had sweat glands there.  Oh wait, Thai Food.
IEB IPhone Ear Buds (new kind) Cuz my ears are shaped funny, very few earbuds work; when wearing the WRH, the MS9 doesn’t fit, so I have to go wired.   The square shape of the container helps differentiate them from a hockey puck.
GAUBAC Gawd-Awful-Ugly Big-Ass-Coat Purchased at goodwill, to stay warm before the race and during the first few miles; abandoned during the route; also a decoy to confuse the aliens.   Pink with leopard spots is awesome.

Yep, I’m crazy.   What the heck, I’m owning it.

In case you hadn’t figured out, italics = for fun, not real. 

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Posted in Health
2 comments on “Half Marathon Running Gear
  1. Todd P says:

    I really dont know what to say.

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